How A Few Furriends Saved Me

We all have our faults. Some of us, less than others; some of us more than others. For me, my faults make me feel lonely and mostly trapped. Almost every day, I go through a daily battle in my mind that can become so tiresome. The truth of the matter is that most of the time I stay stagnant because I am a worrier. Sometimes, it’s painful for me to feel trapped in my own body, a constant angel and devil on my shoulders. “DON’T WORRY... IT WILL BE OK”, says one. “NO, THIS AND THIS AND THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU”, says the other. Back and forth, constantly teasing my mind. You see, my biggest fault has been my struggle with anxiety. A lot of people don’t like to admit that they have anxiety or a mental illness. Many people don’t accept is as a disability, but it can be debilitating for people when it is severe enough. Over the years, I’ve learned to manage it better and found coping skills that help me overcome my trials. It’s part of the reason why I wanted to become a therapist and help others who have been through traumatic experiences that put their life on hold.

Since I was a little child, I was always fearful of something. No matter what I was doing, questions always came out of my mouth such as, “When am I going to die?” “Where am I going to go when I die?” I would ask my mom, “What will I do when you and daddy aren’t here anymore?” “Why did God take my little brothers back to heaven with him?” “Are you and daddy going to get a divorce?” “Why am I so lonely?” “Why was I born different than the other kids?” “Why do I always sit by myself at the lunch table?” “Why don’t kids want to be my friend?” All these questions were daily worries for me before the age of 10. As a 10-year-old, those aren’t normal thoughts to have. 

Of course, these questions didn’t come out of thin air.

By the time I was three, I saw my Nana dying of cancer. She was so sick the few times I was around her and then, within a few months, she was gone. By the age of six, my mom and dad had already lost my first baby brother. Somewhere in-between six and ten, my household consisted of depression and lots of fighting. It was an environment full of sadness due to circumstances that were out of our hands. My parents only wanted a happy family so again, they tried for another baby. At age eight, I remember walking through the mall with my mom as she had a little baby bump. She was excited to finally have a little boy. I was so excited to finally not be alone anymore. A small-time later, my family was sitting in the hospital room with tears. The moment for me is still so vivid. My mom had given birth once again, but the new baby was also gone. I remember that they asked if I wanted to meet him and they put the little blue and purple lifeless baby in my arms, my dad standing over me supporting his head, while my mom shed tears with nurses around her. “This was your baby brother”, he said. I think that was the year that my own anxiety really began. 

My family went on to deal with some heavy stuff after that and our lives changed. At that point, it seemed like so many things just always went wrong with my family. Stuff that is too much for a blog. I saw my family's life and the way that we interacted with each other began to shift. I began to have a lot of problems at school with the other kids. (I’ve written blogs about those times if you are wondering). The one part of my life that always made me feel safe when I would come home from school crying was my animals. And when I wanted to be at school to escape from home, I would go to my animals. When my animals were around, I always felt calm. Happy. Hopeful that things would get better. When I would throw things out of anger, bang my head on the floor until I felt the pain, scream, and cry until I fell asleep, they were always there, they listened. They kept me safe when I felt out of control.

Over the years, I’ve had to face many obstacles. I’ve faced many goodbyes and many losses from the people I love most. I’ve been through years of controlling mental and verbal abuse that left me feeling insecure and like I couldn’t accomplish things and be successful. I’ve been a lone wolf because a lot of people don’t understand my way of thinking or why I get so upset so quickly. A lot of people give up on me easily because they lose patience with me.

My anxiety used to make me worry about pretty much anything and everything I could think of. Panic attacks would come uncontrollably, and I could not breathe. It can be painful and scary, especially when even nowadays I try to explain it to people and they can’t understand or say, “just stop worrying”.

At one point, things were so bad that I almost dropped out of school. But when I think back through all those hard times, my animals were always by my side, even on the days I wanted to quit. My animals never stopped loving me through my sadness, through my suffering, through my pain. My animals helped me begin to gain control of my anxiety because I knew I wanted to help others in the world. They were a coping mechanism for me. As I specialized in animal-assisted therapy, I learned the reason why over all those years my animals got me through my difficult times. Animals lower your cortisol (which is a stress hormone), blood pressure, risk of strokes and heart attacks, anxiety, and depression. When an animal is around a person, they raise the levels of oxytocin, serotonin endorphins, and dopamine in the brain. This is why animals are reliable in lowering the sadness and loneliness that may come with anxiety because our hormones signal animals to react through comfort and paw-stive regard as I like to call it. This means no matter what you go through, they will be there with no judgment, only love.

For me, anxiety made my life really debilitating for a long time. But I look at my furriends and know that I don’t always have to worry because they make it easier, they let me know it will be alright. When I get panicked to go out, they are there. When I feel like I will always be stuck, they are there. When I feel so sad because I don’t have it all together, they are there. They don’t judge me when I cry when I can’t explain why I’m having a bad day when I feel alone. They are just still, in the now, comforting me, helping me to feel better and not so alone in this battle. My furriends have saved my life, more than once. All I can do is continue to look forward each day, and know that with them by my side, overcoming my anxiety is pawsible. I used to be ashamed of having a brain that doesn’t always slow down and calm down. But it’s taught me something.

With the lessons I learned through my battle with anxiety, I hope I can continue to help others recognize that they will be overcomers. You aren't alone. It's okay to have a brain that works differently. I know that if I can teach others about animal-assisted therapy and how helpful it is in overcoming mental illness, many furry friends will save others' lives too. Thank you Zeppy, Klefy, Tommy, My sweet Lucky Woofsy, Girlygirl, and Daisy. You will be my furrever angels.

Lovingly,

-Lucca